A good friend posted this on her facebook and it got me thinking.  Thinking of all the moments she would have to face her ex-husband.  The wedding of her daughter for one.  I remember that day; the wedding of my daughter.  Oh, how she wished she had a father to share in that day for her.  But in the end it was just as it was supposed to be, with all three of her brothers taking their turn giving her away.  Since then there have been births of  babies, engagements, broken relationships, tears of sadness and tears of joy for all of my children. Sometimes I think about how it all would be different if they had a father who loved them; but I for one do not miss his presence in our life.

The thing that really got me thinking was the reality of his release.  In only a few short months he will face the parole board again.  This time he could be given a release date.  How do I feel about that?  Not ready for that day for one.  But more so not ready for my children to have to worry about where he is all the time.  If he should be released that alone could change things for not just my children but for me as well.  The comfort of knowing he is safely locked up and we are safe would be gone.  I would hope we wouldn't need to look over our shoulder all the time; I wouldn't want that feeling of hypervigilance.  My hope would be for him to continue his sentence; he isn't nearly finished 13 yrs of a 30 yr sentence isn't hardly enough.  The reality is he will gain his freedom in my lifetime, and I will have to just deal with it.  My children however, should not have to deal with that.   

So everyday I pray for my kids to have a father figure in their life.  Someone they can look up to, someone they can love, someone to care about them in return.  Most of the kids have had excellent role models, but still something is missing.  "A Father"
I do look back at the past 12+ years, and all of us have had to overcome so much. We also have an awfully lot to celebrate.  We have celebrated our own emotional freedom.  I for one have gone on to have a career I can be proud of.  We have 8 darling babies in our family.  My daughter has supportive in laws, and a husband who loves her dearly. Jared is doing better than I think I have ever seen him.  My kids are all doing well, and well on their way to leading happy productive lives.  Zach, and Ethan included.   My hopes and dreams for each of them is to allow their fathers parole hearing to be again a healing process.  Where they again can see how strong they are and how powerless he is over them.  Like I have said again, and again over the years.  "It was not our choice to become a victim, but it is our choice to remain one. "  No longer does he have that power.